last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
