Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
