Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize