Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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