Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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