farters have to be the big spoon...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
