i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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