My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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