woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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