Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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