I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
