I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
