Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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