you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
