Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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