So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
