Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
