I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
