things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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