I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
