dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She needs sedatives and a leash
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
