It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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