i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
