This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
