What did we do last night that was yellow?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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