i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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