look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
