you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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