True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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