I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
