You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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