So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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