Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Your dad touched me again.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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