I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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