I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
