Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
