saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Couch. On fire.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
