Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
All the doctor said was why
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
