I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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