Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize