I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
