that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
