You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
