We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It was confusing and full of hummus
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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