My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
