My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
