i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
