his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
