Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You've changed since you got that strap on
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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