just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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