This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
