I think I won the penis lottery.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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