and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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