I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
