Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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