There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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